Here’s a subject that I haven’t seen breached during my stint at S&VC: the subject of car alarms. It seems to me that these technologies, which combine powerful audio and security monitoring in the residential market, are ripe for coverage here. So, someone should step forward and write a highly technical article about the effect of 78,000-decibel blasts of noise on the criminal eardrum, or about how to wire a car alarm to shoot a squillion volts of electricity into a perpetrator.
Okay, then I’ll do it. But keep in mind that I drive a 92 VW Jetta, with a rotting-cherry-red paint job. It’s worth about as much as my accordion on the open market. So, no, I don’t have it alarmed.For me, car alarms are more an annoyance than anything else.
The other day, I was cutting through a parking lot and encountered one of those speaking car alarms. I was minding my own business, I assure you, when this car began to holler at me: “YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO THE CAR. STEP BACK OR AN ALARM WILL SOUND!”
Needless to say, I was quite startled, and not just a little irked. This alarm seems pretty counterproductive. I mean, before this car so rudely addressed me, I had not the faintest notion of doing any harm to the car, but after the alarm startled the bejeezus out of me, I was seriously tempted to skip a cinderblock across the hood of this little black roadster out of spite.
As I pondered my pending transformation from law-abiding citizen to vandal, the car addressed me again, saying, “STEP BACK OR AN ALARM WILL SOUND!”
Angered further at being bossed around, I stood my ground, to which the car responded, “PERIMETER VIOLATION! ALARM IN FIVE-FOUR-THREE-TWO…” Which is when I left. Who needs the headache?
What I really want to do, though, is buy one of those alarms for my car, then just wait until I see that black roadster with an empty spot next to it. I’ll squeeze my Vee-Dub in right next to it, almost touching, then leave the two car alarms to duke it out:
The black roadsters fires the first salvo, of course: “YOU’RE TOO CLOSE TO THE CAR. STEP BACK OR AN ALARM WILL SOUND!”
My Jetta, doing its best DeNiro, says: “YOU TALKIN’ TA ME?”
The roadster, taken aback, hazards: “STEP BACK OR AN ALARM WILL SOUND?”
Jetta is no pansy: “WHO’S GONNA MAKE ME?”
Roadster begins to get upset: “I’M GONNA MAKE YOU!”
Jetta is non-plussed: “YOU AND WHAT ARMY, TOUGH GUY?”
This would carry on until both batteries died or until a crowd gathered around to watch the fight. All I can say is, that car owner is lucky that I have better things to do.